Cruel and meek, all at once

Hi Woman-

Today you sent us men a text message, it said "He finally said he loved me!". "He" being the new guy you couldn't wait to get to after you dumped us (maybe before you dumped us?). First off, why would we even give a shit, except maybe you're trying to fuck with our headw. It's not the first time you women have fucked with men's heads, so that's plausable. Secondly, you women dumped us men for 'the new guy' and it's been a year and he's finally saying it. Woopty-fucking-do. We said it, and meant it and wanting nothing but your happiness. You shit all over that. Boy howdy did you ever. Just a big hugh steamer right on our love. I guess it didn't mean that much to you.

We don't hate you, but we're tired of your bullshit. I'm sorry, but we just can't stay friends with someone who's going to act like our past never happened. We're glad you found some rando dick that's better than ours and probably drives a nicer car than us, but we don't want to hear about it. We don't want to hear about how he hasn't been taking care of your needs. We don't want to hear if likes your dog. You all dumped us, bitches, and you could have had something great with a wonderful person, but instead you dropped it carelessly because you're a stupid bitch with nothing on their mind but upgrading.

Don't ever call us again. Seriously. Women like you give the other 13% of cool chicks on the planet a bad name. Shit, no wonder your husband turned gay.

-Man

Woe is the tender heart

Dear Woman

I both hate and love you at the same time. You are both bashfull and bold, coy and brash, shallow and deep, all at the same time. I'm confused and still I know what logic tells me but can't do what needs to be done.

Some of you are beautiful creatures, like some mythical animal that walks alone in the forest. Others of your kind are cold-hearted she-bitches that do nothing but prey on the hearts of men.

White and black. Rich and poor. Love and hate. You are the very definition of contradictory life. I will never understand you, but you will always be close to my heart. My soul may be shattered, but it's not all of your fault. It's also partly my own for letting it get near your sharp teeth, your black soul and your tender kisses.

-Man

Catch-22

Dear Woman

Some of you can be so loving, nary asking for anything in return. And others ask that you love them, give them all your free time and then cut your heart out. Sadly there is little gray area for middle-of-the-road views on this.

I don't understand it. Women can be the most loving, the most nurturing and caring creatures on Earth. And at the same they can be some of the most cruel and vicious. Why is that? What makes this an even more weird paradox, is that there are some of you out there that can be both. That's a bit of a head-scratcher.

Anyway, I sent of for an instruction manual from Sears for a Craftsman Riding Lawnmower. I figure if there is anything that is cool to ride, and yet entirely able of chewing a man's ass out all day long, and requires maintenence to use properly it would be Woman, then the next best thing would be a riding lawnmower. We'll see if Sears got it right or not. I'll let you know how it goes.

With love and affection-
-Man

Dear Women

This is an open letter to those with no Y chromisoms:

Dear Women:

What the fuck is wrong with all of you? You ask for honesty and yet you yourself are unable to give it in return. You ask for love, and yet when given you recoil. You ask for someone accessable, and yet you desire badboys with emotional problems. You are all crazy and fucked in the head.

Love
Man